Perfect Humans

Plans to Take Over the World - Confessions of a Lowly Rat





I'm a rat. I've been considered disgusting by some, accused of carrying disease. I'm creepy I know that. I can't help it, I was born this way.


I don't mean to be so destructive, but its my teeth. I need to grind them down constantly or they would get too big. I have no feeling in them and they grow so quick.

I'm only vicious when you corner me, not like mice which will run from anything. And, I'm not really bad company, not generally. Maybe, some of my brothers are but not me, only a few of our 56 species lives among you humans and that's usually in the cities but we are everywhere. I move freely about, while mice stay close to home. My ancestors came from China millennia ago, migrating to Europe then to all other parts of the world. They eventually landed in the New World just before the American Revolution. In fact, everywhere a boat will go, a rat cousin of mine can go too, and probably already has been!

No, I'm not a mouse on steroids. We are nothing alike. Mice have long smooth skinned tails. We have a ruff looking, scraggy shorter tail. They have a pointed nose, ours is flat. With dainty little feet they run around fields or the walls of houses, our paws are big and we live in basements, around foundations and under logs. Their ears are appropriately a little to big for their heads which make them look cute, ours are little, like a beaver.

My little mice friends are vegans. They eat seeds and grain. I eat meat or anything else you want to serve me. I'm not fussy. I would even eat a mouse, if I weren't so afraid of them. My jaw power is over 20,000 pounds per square inch. I know from first hand experience, I've gnawed for hours on the corner of a cement staircase. The teeth, remember, they continuously grow. 

I climb trees, mice won't.

My wife has been known to have been with 500 different guys in a 6 hour period, she's been caught doing the nasty, 15 times this year. She can't help it, she started young, a victim of incest, now she goes into heat every 5 - 6 days. She has even had sex with her father. We think nothing of it, father, brother, son, grand-pappy, one big sex orgy. Talking liberal minded or what?

I myself have sired about 2,000 sons and daughters from different soul mates that I've met on my travels.

Which reminds me of the time I almost fell to my death. I was crossing the Lions Gate Bridge and accidentally slipped and made such a splash that it would have killed any human but not me, I even had to swim for three days, the tide was going out, ended up at Wreck Beach, you should have seen the nudies' run like hell when they saw me, beaching up onto the shore. Luckily' we're good swimmers and I can hold my breath for a long time. I've even been flushed down the toilet, the homeowner thought she could drown me but I survived, then later when she was sitting on the toilet, I climbed back up the same drain pipe she flushed me down and bit her in the ass.

I know, I know, some of us have been known to have carried the plague, but that's not entirely true. It was the fleas that carried the disease, unfortunately we carried the fleas. Why do you still hold this against us, to this very day? It's history, let it go?

Some of us do make good pets you know, but not me, I'm wild. 

Temples have been built in my honour. In Deshnoke, India, there is a Hindu temple that worships my relative. She was a goddess, Karni Mata. There is a statue of her image and it's cast in solid gold and 20,000 rat mummies are entombed there. 

Then, there is Miss Mary Douglas, the "Mother of Rat Fancy." She lobbied the National Mouse club to include rats. In 1901 the first rat was allowed to join the prestigious club but it didn't last. The club went back to their shallow previous prejudice ways and excluded us after Mary died. 

Today, we have our own club, excluding mice, it is called the, "The National Fancy Rat Society," which was formed in 1976. Check out our web site.  


One day we shall overcome. I'm just waiting for the day we evolve to develop thumbs. If we can't beat you by numbers then we will assimilate. If the Reptilians and Insectoids did it, then the rats can do it too.


Then, that's another blog.


*If you like my blogs check out my book "ONE TWO ONE TWO a ghost story, on sale at Amazon only $2.99 on Kindle  or read it for free join Amazon Prime








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