Perfect Humans

Empress Catherine II. The Chicken Chasing, Size Queen, Cougar







Here I'm sitting on the crapper this morning, reading one of my bathroom books; 10 Ways to Recycle a Corpse and 100 More Dreadfully Distasteful Lists written by Karl Shaw. You know, one of those books we keep around for short bursts of random facts, light, easy reading stuff!



I'm flipping through the pages when I come to a list of History's 12 Randiest Royals. I started to read;  



There was King Soloman, at the top of the list, the randiest of kings with 700 wives and 300 mistresses. Ramses II coming in at a close second, fathering 129 children. I thought that ironic since they named a popular brand of condoms after him. He obviously didn't wear one. King Charles,"Old Rowley" the first to use one. King Henry I, setting a record for an English King, fathering 21 royals and 25 illegitimate kids. Augustus II who left no stone (virgin) in his kingdom unturned, King John V who slept with nuns, King Louis XV, a child molester, he loved little girls. King Fatafehi Paulah who deflowered every woman in his dynasty, King William with his "Pineapple shaped head." You don't want to know. King Edward VII, the "Caresser," and King Ibn Saud, responsible for 20,000 Saudi princes.




But the strangest to me was; the Russian Empress, Catherine II, a cougar, with her many young lovers. She liked them young and all were known to be a little better than average in penis size. One of her lovers was Grigory Potemkin, a giant. His nickname was "Cyclops" since he wore a patch over one eye. Catherine actually made a plaster cast of his enormous wang and made a dildo out of it, sleeping with it when he wasn't around. At the age of 67, she took her last lover.



There is a myth going around that Catherine II died being crushed, while having sex with a horse, but in reality she was found on her bathroom floor. Apparently, she died of a brain hemorrhage after straining to have a bowel movement. 



I immediately put the book back on the shelf and hurriedly got off the crapper.



True story.




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